We’ve talked a lot about bad relationships. Narcissists, abusers, people who are manipulative and controlling. But what about when your relationship is fine, but it’s just, well, dead. Maybe it was never what you wanted really, but there’s nothing horrible about it. But then there’s nothing wonderful about it either. Or it may be that it was pretty awesome in the beginning, but you’ve changed, they’ve changed, life has changed, and well – it’s not really working anymore.
I think there are a lot of people out there that would tell you to stay – to fight for a relationship that isn’t bad, and may have even been really good at one point. I believe though that you will know in your gut if it is or not. Never let anyone convince you of that. You have to follow your own heart on it. And you certainly don’t have to settle for less in your life if you don’t want to.
A Healthy Relationship that Fizzles
Years ago, I was in a long-term relationship that was very loving and supportive and fun. He was very quiet, but we were very social as a couple – and we had roommates and friends that were always around. While we didn’t have a lot in common, we adored each other and made each other laugh. It was sweet, it was fun, and it was good.
After several years though, and moving into our own places – we had no roommates, and a quieter life. We realized, or really, I realized, that we weren’t that compatible. I realized that he was happy to sit on the couch every night and do nothing, plan nothing, and really talk about nothing. It was killing me. While I wasn’t sure if he was always that way and I just didn’t notice, or that perhaps we always had so many people around that I never noticed. But regardless, I didn’t want to live my life like this. I was young, vibrant and inspired. While I didn’t need all the socializing, I needed a partner who I was compatible with. Because at the end of the day, it’s just the two of you.
I did break up with him, and he talked me into giving it one more chance. I did. Though I can’t remember how long it lasted, I remember of just knowing it wasn’t meant to be and turning to him and telling him one night that it was definitely over. I didn’t feel it anymore. For both of our sakes, I needed to let him go. Regardless of how I felt, it was hard for both of us. We had been together for 3-4 years.
Despite some of the teary phone calls he made to me after that, I was resolute. I knew I was making the right decision for me. I was following my own gut on it. And I knew there was a more compatible soulmate out there for me, and definitely for him as well.
Breaking Up is Hard to do
While these times are always hard. Especially when you’ve been together a long time, you love each other, and you’re just comfortable with each other. It’s still important to notice how you feel. To see if that person is growing and changing with you. To look at your relationship and see if it can be fixed, or if you know in your heart it’s time to move on. I think sometimes, despite the difficulty of splitting up, it can be the best thing you can do – for both of you. Even if it’s a challenging, teary, or even shocking break up.
A great follow up to this is to tell you that he met his soulmate soon after this, married and had kids and is very happy. I also met a soulmate soon after this – while it didn’t work out quite as awesomely – it’s still something that was meant to happen, and wouldn’t have if I had clung to a dying relationship. I followed my heart and freed us both to find those people we were meant to meet. People who made our hearts soar and changed our lives in amazing ways!
There’s Much More Ahead for You
So, I ask you this. Is it worth staying in something when your gut is telling you it’s over? Do you feel the call of magic in your future? Of that soulmate up ahead waiting for you? It’s something you need to figure out. I’m not telling you to abandon your kids, or cheat on your spouse or anything. I’m telling you that when your gut or your heart is calling you – trying to get your attention. Pay attention. No rash decisions necessary. But listen. Feel. Figure it out. You will know if and when you need to do something. Just don’t ignore it though.
Sometimes I’ve been my most authentic when my gut speaks up and the words just come out of my mouth. “I’m sorry, but it’s over.” I’ve said a lot of things in following my gut. But I don’t regret a single one. I’ve always done it in the most honest and loving way. And it’s all led me to better things.
Only You and the Divine Know Your Path
Don’t let anyone talk you into or out of something either. If you know in your gut what the right decision is, regardless of what anyone is saying to you – do that. THAT is your Divine guidance. Your internal compass. That is what you need to do. You know it. So even if everything looks great and everyone says they envy you – but you know it’s not right. You have to do what is right for you. When it comes out of your mouth, it will feel amazing. Truth spoken can be painful sometimes, but you will feel a sense of relief. So, no matter what anyone says, speak your truth. Pray about it if you need to, but follow what you are guided to do. You can’t go wrong if you do that.
Awareness in Your Relationships
My point in this is to say that sometimes relationships (even friendships) don’t look that bad. They might be very comfortable. But if you know in your gut that it’s just not working any more, you have to move forward. Sometimes it’s because you have grown in your own self-love and you have a new awareness of the issues, or that you just deserve better – a deeper, more intimate soulmate connection with someone. A new level of respect, support, and trust. Whatever it is that you need, recognize it. Find some awareness of the relationships in your life. Observe them. Decide if they support and grow you. If they are honest, loving, kind and caring. If they aren’t what you need, you will know. Suddenly you will see it all very clearly. And often the Universe has something better waiting for you.
Follow Your Gut Feelings
Over the years I’ve grown so much in my self-love, and with every bit of growth and awareness, my relationships have changed. I’ve recognized that friendships and dating relationships (and my marriage) weren’t good for me. I’ve become more aware of the issues. Even noticing that I’m being subtly manipulated, made fun of, competed with, isolated, or lied to. And other times, like the story above, it was just not what I wanted or needed anymore – despite the fact there was nothing really wrong. Every time though, it was a gut feeling. A knowing. A desire for better. And I paid attention, and most of the time I did something about it. And with every time I let someone go, I learn and grow, and I attract more amazing people into my life. I’ve never regretted following my gut on it – ever.
And a book you might like is Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia by Elizabeth Gilbert. I love this book because she is following the life that she feels she is ‘supposed’ to live, or what she feels is expected of her. But then her gut feelings kick in and she has a total meltdown and changes her life drastically – and for the better. An awesome story about how we suddenly awaken sometimes to our true self, and despite the fact our circumstances aren’t outwardly ‘bad’ – it’s not what we want. We want more. We want passion, purpose, and deeper connections. And we want to live a life that is more authentic to who we are. Such a beautiful story of finding her way, finding great friendships, and finding true love – and always following your gut.
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