Really, how can you tell that God loves you? Because you were able to get that awesome new car? Of course. But what about in those moments of misery and pain? When you just had your heart broken? What about then? Well actually, you may have had your heart broken BECAUSE God loves you. Did you ever think of that? That maybe that relationship had lived out it’s lessons for you, and you need to step back and recognize that, because God has better things in store for you. Or maybe you just needed some time alone to see things more clearly? Pain is also part of God loving you. It’s about your own growth. It’s about directing you towards your best life. Trust that you are always being led – BECAUSE you are loved.
I have a very vivid memory of listening to the minister in our non-denominational church as a young child. He spoke about the glory of God’s love, and it was clear to me that he knew God very well. I remember wishing that I could be as close to God as he was. I was in awe of our minister as a young child. Sometimes I even made him gifts, as I wanted very much to be his friend. I knew that he was close to God and that made me want to be closer to him. Especially since I could feel that love that he spoke about coming from him as well.
As a young adult, when I moved across the country, I found myself lonely and longing for connection to God again. Longing to feel that love. I would find myself sitting in the back of churches again, listening to stories of how God loves us, and crying. I wanted to feel that love so badly. My heart ached for the love and acceptance that I couldn’t give myself. I knew God could give it to me, but at the time, I thought God could only be found in churches – so that’s where I went. But those visits were few and far between, as it wasn’t religion I wanted – but just to feel God’s love.
Finding the Value in Pain
Over my early adult years, I really struggled with self-love and loneliness. Much of it stemmed from a very dysfunctional upbringing and relationships with my parents, but I’ll save that for another day. I think most of us have these issues to some extent, and it deeply messes with our feelings of worthiness and lovability. Subsequently I was either alone, beating myself up and feeling unlovable – or in dysfunctional relationships that continued to validate my feelings of unworthiness and unlovability. What we often don’t realize though is that we are led to all of this to wake us up and make us stronger. To find our own strength and value amidst the mess. To learn to value ourselves as the amazing, beautiful souls that we are, rather than try to see our worth through other people’s eyes (which are clouded by their own issues).
You don’t actually believe that you drew in all this misery because of your lower value, do you? The reality is that you are strong, wise, beautiful, amazing and always so loved! You are put in these challenging situations to bring out the best in your beautiful soul. To help you to stop trying to find your value (worth and lovability) through others – as you may have been doing since childhood, when unconditional love may have felt unachievable or out of reach. You are being taught to love yourself, and love your Divine creator (or really, to remember that love is always there and always will be).
Human Suffering 101
Earth is a school basically. We are here to learn about good and bad, and experience it first hand, through many lifetimes. It’s a step on our path to greater things, but we will live hundreds, if not thousands of lifetimes learning and growing. How’s that for big picture perspective? So really, how big are your problems now? LOL. Seriously though, there is so much to learn, and if you are still reading this you are likely an old soul who knew this already.
You are sent here in each lifetime with no memories of the past, but energetically you bring forward all the karmic debts, connections, and issues from your past lives. Your purpose and goals are usually around clearing them all out and moving forward in a positive way through new challenges, as well as deeper and more meaningful experiences. Hopefully remembering your connection with God and all beings as well. And yes, as you progress and move forward, things get easier and better!
Spiritual Growth and Exploration
So later in my adult life, I made it my goal to connect more deeply with God and my own spirituality. I believe that I remembered that connection (or memory of God’s love) as a small child, and hung onto it. After years of loneliness and heartache, I actively sought out God in my own way. I read, meditated, took classes on spirituality, became ordained, worked on my intuitive and psychic abilities, did animal communication, gave people oracle card readings, practiced reiki and even got a Masters of Intuitive Arts and Energy Sciences.
Over the years I have worked with and learned from many different spiritual and energy healers and therapists, psychics, hypnotherapists, past life healers, reflexologists, mediums, animal communicators, intuitives, reiki healers, oracle card readers and more. For several years I had my own Meetup group of over 100 people called the “Spiritual Explorers”, where I invited many of these people to come and speak. I have always been on a mission of connection and learning when it comes to the Divine and spirituality.
Worthy of God’s Love and Our Own Love
I love the mystical, the magical, and the beautiful connection to the Divine. But yet, I still struggled with the “feeling the love” part. I also struggled with the self-love part too, even though it got better and better over time (as did my feelings that God loved me). I would feel that even when I was enjoying doing what I was doing (like with animal communication or psychic readings), that I was never good enough. That I wasn’t worthy of what I was doing, or confident enough to believe in what I was capable of. It was that feeling of not loving myself, and not feeling the love and support of God. But really, it is our own misconceptions of our worthiness (learned at childhood) that cause us to struggle with this.
Healing the Past
These past few years I’ve really been working intensely with an energy healer/hypnotherapist to bring up and heal all those childhood issues, and issues throughout my life that I needed to heal and let go of. It’s been a long and intense journey, but as I’ve worked through all the emotions of what I’ve dug up and let them go, things have changed for me in amazing ways. I have found love within myself, for myself. I have found that releasing all the people and the emotions (and the old beliefs) around those who loved me conditionally, or not at all, allowed me to see that I was really lovable all along. That it was only those people and their issues that clouded things for me. That I was seeing things through their eyes and not my own – and definitely not through God’s eyes.
As I worked through all the emotions with this healing work, at times I found myself getting mad at God. I didn’t understand why all the suffering had to happen. Why did I have to have so much hurt and pain in my life? I even had times when I found myself yelling at God. And you know what? It was a huge release for me. And I had some great moments of clarity afterwards. I started to see that I was finally getting to the good stuff. That God had been challenging me all along to see my own value, and find my own peace – in myself and the love of the Divine. And after all these years, I am FINALLY getting it. There is no need for suffering. I have had unconditional love all along.
The Long Road Home
I have found such peace in my journey. None of it has been pretty, but all of it led me to where I am at now. A new, happy, peaceful place of love for myself and my life, and also love for God. Today, when I have times of feeling lonely or sad in some moments, God shows me love immediately. Usually (lately) in the form of the number 3, which is a symbol of love for me. Right now, I seem to look at the clock every time it’s 33 minutes past the hour. It always makes me smile and I thank God for it.
God and I talk constantly now. I ask for signs, guidance, and I even channel messages (anyone can do this – I use my journal and ask a question, and just start writing whatever comes without questioning or editing it). Sometimes I get a confirming buzzing in my ear, or a light that suddenly turns on in the room to affirm what I am saying, or a song where the lyrics answer my question – but God’s love is clearly ever present when you are aware and paying attention.
I am allowing God/the Universe/the Divine to guide me every step of the way through life now, and I trust that great new things – love and joy – are on the horizon. I feel happy and at peace in myself and who I am. And I trust in God’s love and guidance, and the beauty of the path I am on in this lifetime.
Of note – as I finished this blog and looked at the clock…..it was 9:33. Love.
A book related to this topic is Love Without Conditions: Reflections of the Christ Mind by Paul Ferrini.